Jokes

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

{Now after the marriage. You can read it bottom to top leaving last line.}

***
An old arab lives 40 years in New York. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is lonely and old and weak. His son studies in Paris. He writes an email to his son about his problem.

‘Dear Ahmed, I’m very sad because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I’m sure if you would be here, you could help me to dig my garden.I love you. Your father’

The day after the old man gets an email.

‘Dear father, please don’t touch the garden. I’ve hidden ‘the thing’ there. I love you too. Ahmed’

4 o’clock in the morning the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the RANGERS come to the house of the old man. They search everywhere, take apart the hole garden, dig every milimeter, but don’t find anything. Disappointed they leave.

The day after the old man again gets an email from his son.I hope your garden is digged by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you. I love you. Ahmed’

***

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”

“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”

***

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t even start it.

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde replies, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a big chicken.”

Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then…” he sighs, “let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box…”

Jokes-Please don't be angry, boys!

Why are men created before women?
God needs a rough draft for the final version.

Why did God created women?
He was tired of taking care of men all day round and decided to create women to share the bothersome task.

Any woman who tries to satisfy a man's stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

Jokes

What does an American say when he farts?
Excuse me.

What does a British say when he farts?
Pardon me.

What does a Singaporean say when he farts?
Not me.

The Adventures of Muthu

*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October."
Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."
****
*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....
"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"
Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."
****
*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip,
Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?"
Wife: "No! Why?"
Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why."
Wife : ?????????
****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu
whether any great man was born in his village...
and Muthu said, "No sir, only babies were born here."
****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach.
First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!"
The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same.
The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off it's fourth leg and ordered it walk.
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."
***
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle,
the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back.
I will drive."
****
*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel.
To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard "WASH BASIN"
****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...*
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested.
Why ????????????
Because a woman journalist with a badge which read
"*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!

Jokes

Roses are redish,
Violets are blueish.
If it wouldn't because of X'mas,
We'll are be Jewish.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

Name Jokes

Quite funny....
Western Names but Chinese Meanings...
Stay away from these names if you are Chinese............!

Mandarin meaning:
Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang - Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin

Hokkien (Fujian) meaning:
Carl Chng - Buttock
Monica Chng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings

Cantonese (Guangdong) Meaning:
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before

Name Jokes

Confusing Chinese Names Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone).And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) is involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!