Jokes-Don't Learn From The Dumb Boy!!!

I knew a boy that was so stupid that:

He called me to get my phone number.
He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
He put lipstick on his forehead because he wanted to make up her mind.
He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
He tried to drown a fish.
He thought a quarterback was a refund.
He got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
He tripped over a cordless phone.
He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
He asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
He studied for a blood test.
He thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
When he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead.

Jokes

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted.

***
There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting and my boss fired me. When I left the building I found that my car was stolen. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had left, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

***
WOMAN
When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
When she is 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men going after her.
When she is 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man hitting her.
When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

***
Ah Huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair, streaked red tie and white shoes, he screamed in his mind, "OH MY GOD! THIS CAN'T BE IT, WOMEN!"

Since he had no choice, he had a wild idea. "If you can make a sentance out of GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK, I'll give you this job."

Ah Huay thought awhile, and said. "I heard the phone go GREEN GREEN (RING RING) ! Than I go PINK (PICK) up the phone, and said, "YELLOW (HELLO) ? BLUE's (WHO'S) that? WHITE (WHAT) did you say? Don't PURPLEly(POPERSLY) go disturb people, and don't call BLACK (BACK) , ok? Kum siah."

The manager fainted.

***
Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10, he also did it from 10 back to 1 as well. This is his story:

1 (One) day I went 2 (to) climb a 3 (tree) outside a house to peep but the couple saw me so I panicked and 4 (fell) down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 (fight) with me. I ran until I fell 6 (sick) and threw up. So I went into 7 (Seven) eleven and grabbed some 8 (eggs) to throw at him. Then I took a 9 (knife) and tried to stab him. 10 (thank) god he ran away.

So I put the 9 ( knife) back and paid for the 8 (eggs) and then I left 7 (seven) eleven. Next day, I called my boss and said that I was 6 (sick). He said, "5 (fine) , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 (for) work." He also ask me to climb a 3 (tree) and jump down. I don't understand. I so nice 2 (to) him but I don't know what he 1 (wants).

Name Jokes

5 people lived in a room. They are named Mad, Brain, Fool, Somebody and Nobody. Fool did not know the four other people, and he was a police. The four other people, Mad, Brain, Somebody and Nobody were friends.

One day, Somebody killed Nobody. At that time, Brain was in the bath room. Mad called the police.

Mad: Is this the police?
Police: Yes, what is the matter?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody.
Police: Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I am Mad.
Police: Don't you have a brain?
Mad: Brain is in the bath room.
Police: You're dumb!
Mad: No! I'm not Dumb, I'm Mad.
Police: *annoyed and hangs up, treating it as a prank call*

Mad dialed '999' for the police again and it was still the same police who answered the call. The police hung up upon hearing Mad saying that Somebody killed Nobody.

Mad was really anxious as his friend was killed but no police helped him.

Mad called the Head of Police the next day. The Head of Police went to the house to see if there's really someone dead. Yes, there was a corpse. Mad told the Head of Police that he did call for assistance from a police but the police had hung up on him twice.

So, the Head of Police went to check who was on duty at that time.He found out that Fool was on duty. (The Head of Police did not know Fool's name) The Head of Police sent someone to bring Fool to the house and scolded him: YOU FOOL!

Fool answered "Yes, sir?"

The Head of Police was shocked that he admitted that he was a 'fool'. Within seconds, he regained from the shock and told Fool, "You are fired!"

Fool: Oh, I see.
Head of Police: You don't have to come for work from now onwards! Take off your uniform and hand in your gun!
Fool: Is You here? I don't know anyone named You although I've worked here for 10 years.
Head of Police: You is not a name! Argh, forget it... What's your name?
Fool: Fool.
Head of Police: WHAT, you called me a fool?!
Fool: No, I said my name is Fool.
Head of Police: *blur* *dizzy* Fool, you are fired!!!
Fool: O.K... It's all their fault...

The policemen took Somebody to court and Somebody was sentenced to death. Then, Nobody was cremated. Fool went home and for the first time, talked to Mad and Brain face to face.

Fool: *looks at Mad* You Mad freak!
Fool: *looks at Brain* You Brainless!
Mad & Brain: You're so stupid, fool.
Mad: I am Mad but I am not a freak.
Brain: I am Brain but I'm Brainmore, not Brainless. I have a brain in my head and my name is Brain. Two "Brains"!!
Fool: Whatever you fools.
Mad & Brain: You are the Fool, stupid. We are Mad and Brain, not Fools.

***
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS . . . . "